I’m in rather (quite?) a dissociative state now from yesterday/last night but I really want to write about this now. Let’s see what I can do. Apologies in advance for messiness, errors and severe “out-of-sens-ed-ness.”
Yesterday, it was my mother’s birthday. She’s nuts. Totally crazy. So am I but at least I am dx’d and being treated. She is not. She is in tremendous denial. Nonetheless, I needed to call her. I was extremely anxious as talking to her is immensely painful. She rambles on non-stop, all about herself…ugh. The Asperger’s was really kicking in as I was totally stimmy. I was going to my friend J.’s for dinner so at an appropriate stop via transit, time for Valium.
Our conversation was decidedly atypical. It was relatively brief, all about me, my mental and physical health and even more. A few years ago, she would not even acknowledge these things–again, complete denial. After this phone call, I was tremendously relieved, despite its surprising nature. I was quite happy.
Now, regarding some of the “even more,” I need to give you some background information. A while ago, I was thinking about my great uncle (my mother’s uncle.) He was always considered “odd.” So much of an understatement there. He would have been “medically dx’d” as “retarded.” I had brief memories of him as a child but now, since my own dx. of Asperger’s, a massive sledgehammer has hit me over the head: He’s Autistic! Even after a few, simple questions to my mother, suspicions confirmed.
I had suggested to go for a visit to see them. Them, meaning his older sister, as well. She has devoted her entire life to taking care of him because he can not function on his own. I had made this suggestion prior to having my tonic-clonic seizure in September. After that happened, my health became such a nightmare, that plan needed to be put on hold.
So, during the telephone conversation last night, I tossed it onto the table again. Of course, not a problem. However, there is some urgency to the matter. They are old. I need to see him in action, this example of a possible genetic link? This is awesome! Although, this was not my trigger as I had suggested it before.
After J. and I had dinner, something was wrong. I began to feel my anxiety rise again. I couldn’t figure out why. Yes, the telephone call was atypical but I was happy about it. And in thinking, recent conversations? My mother has been more caring about my life of late with all that has gone on–getting laid off, health going down the toilet etc… I fought off taking another Valium. I can fend off this anxiety…yes, I can.
On the way home, I gave in. I pulled out my bottle of pills, stared at them for a bit and just popped another Valium. Then, I began to dissociate. When my thinking started to become a little less fuzzy, my brain virtually screamed at me: “OMFG!!! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!”
What did I do?
I didn’t think at all about the time I proposed for the visit. I “thought” it would be nice if we did it some time around Christmas as they are all alone and on their own. Fuck me. Christmas has always been kind of triggery for me as my mother made it so disastrous. Now, I’m tossing more family members into the mix that may bring back flashbacks, I have no idea… All I do know is that I’ve now created a field full of landmines for myself. And I’ll be walking across it wearing a blindfold.
I’ve got some time to try and prepare myself, but I’m not sure how exactly to do that, not knowing what the hell I’ll be getting myself into. I might be able to figure something out, though, as I’m surely not thinking clearly at all now. Even if I’m still reeling from all of this tomorrow, I think I should call Merlin #2. I can get in before I make the visit, no doubt? He wants me to start seeing a therapist anyway, but no. This requires immediate intervention.
I could be as dissociative to appear in a coma, yet still realize that?
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